The Fear of Contentment and How It Can Hold You Back

The Fear of Contentment

I’ve always had a hard time receiving compliments. Sure, I could get a compliment, feel good, and say thank you, but as soon as that momentary feeling of validation subsided, I’d be off thinking about the next thing and all the ways I still needed to develop.

True, this mentality has led me to continuously improve and surpass my limitations over and over, but it’s also had its cost. Never taking the time to receive the benefits of my work — the praise, the feeling of arrival, hell, just taking a moment to enjoy all the things I’ve earned and recognize the work I’ve put in — meant that I never really learned how to be content.

The realization that this was not a sustainable way of being dawned on me when I saw that no matter how good I got, no matter how much I won, no matter how much praise I received, it was never enough, and I never felt fulfilled. In fact, I couldn’t even receive praise without thinking the other person had some ulterior motive. 

The truth I came to was that until I learned how to receive and appreciate my accomplishments I’d never be able to enjoy what I earned no matter how successful I became.

What about the Michael Jordans of the world?

Two mentalities circulate within me as I ponder this issue. Even now, as I write it, I hear the voice that says, “Think of the Michael Jordans, the Elon Musks, the Bruce Lees!” 

It was their insatiable attitude that led them to achieve such great heights. It was their very lack of contentment that caused them to pursue excellence without pause. And so, there is this part of me that doesn’t want to hear anything about contentment or acknowledging praise: I’m here to do what I do as best as possible. I’m here to excel and keep excelling.

But then there’s this other part of me that feels drained. This other part that needs to sleep more and spend more time with friends and family without constantly running off and tending to the never-ending-to-do list of my pursuits. The part of me that wants to enjoy life, rest, feel content, feel fulfilled, and, to sound a little cliché, be more appreciative of my life.

A fear of contentment

In my own life, I see that the root of the problem is a fear of contentment — a fear that if I actually stop for a moment and feel content with what I have, I’ll stop progressing. If I stop now, I will never achieve my full potential.

I used to beat myself up every day that I didn’t practice my yoga, kung fu, or writing because I knew that was one less day I could practice in my lifetime, and so the potential I could reach in my lifetime was also diminished. And the truth is, despite all the work I’ve done on myself, part of me still thinks this. Even when I’m sick or dead tired, I have trouble accepting the need for rest.

Perhaps the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve come to accept that this part will always be there.

He is The Achiever, and he isn’t going anywhere. He is a natural part of me, and he wants to grow. He wants to deepen his understanding, improve his skills, and constantly reach new heights.

A Chinese medicine perspective

In Chinese medicine, this archetype falls under the Wood element, which is the aspect of an individual who strives to grow in every direction. As long as there is soil, water, and sun, i.e., opportunity and potential, it will reach as high, wide, and deep as possible.

But, just as all trees have moments of growth, moments of fruition, moments of dropping their seeds, and moments of rest, all humans have the tilling, the planting, the reaping, and the resting. In both realms, downtime is always necessary for growth. Without rest, we cannot continue to reach. Without rest, there can be no moments of appreciation and integration.

But rest doesn’t have to mean sleep. And it doesn’t necessarily mean quitting your job, taking a long vacation, or stopping in a way that costs you all your momentum. 

As I grow older, I see that rest can mean moments of reflection, integration, and, yes, contentment. And just as a tree needs rest to continue its growth, everybody needs moments of contentment to continue to excel.

Rest is Different than Distraction

It’s important here to note that the downtime I’m talking about is not defined by entertainment or distraction. It’s giving yourself enough space to appreciate the here and now.

It doesn’t have to be meditation. It doesn’t have to be structured. In fact, if you’re looking to refresh your energy so that you can continue excelling sustainably, all it has to be is a moment where you stop and pay attention to what’s going on: feel where you are, notice your breath, and enjoy your surroundings.

A simple exercise

If that’s a little too vague for you, try this:

Turn off your TV, place your phone off to the side, sit in your favorite spot, and notice everything around you. Notice the photos, the books, the furniture, the light, the electronics you’ve purchased, the walls around you — notice all these things you’ve worked so hard for and feel that moment of appreciation. If your kids are running around or your partner is sitting nearby, notice them.

Notice how unbelievable and improbable it is that all these variables have coalesced into your life. Appreciate the work you’ve put in — the perseverance and sacrifice that has led to everything you own. Appreciate the effort that someone else put into making these products and the resources that went into it all. And then bring in some sense of wonder. Think of your favorite app, video game, or music and how many things had to come together to bring it to life.

I’m always awestruck when I consider Spotify. Just the fact that I have access to nearly any song I could imagine blows me away. So try it out. Take a moment and allow yourself to wonder at something that has become so commonplace you take it for granted.

Why?

Because if you’re always falling from one thing to the next, and you never take a moment to appreciate all the time, effort, and energy that’s gone into everything you own, life becomes dry, brittle, and forced, and I can guarantee you’ll never feel fulfilled.

Contentment doesn’t last, but it’s still important

Of course, you will be hungry again tomorrow, but imagine eating and never feeling satiated, not even for one moment. Or drinking and never feeling quenched. We live our lives this way, never allowing ourselves to digest what we’ve worked for.

Consider the fact that just like drinking water, it doesn’t matter how content you are right now; you will be thirsty again. But it’s still worth it to drink because it sustains you. 

So, take in those compliments, take in the benefits of all you’ve worked for, take a moment to receive, and trust that your drive to grow and excel is natural in the same way that your thirst and hunger are natural.

Some people are hungrier than others. It’s good to be hungry; it makes us grow. But it’s also good to feel full for a moment and enjoy what you’ve got.

Contentment isn’t the enemy of progress. Contentment is the natural pause that allows you to receive and integrate so that you can propel yourself upwards from a new plateau.

It is a necessary pause that increases your ability to feel greater levels of joy, and isn’t that what we’re all working for anyway?

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Are you feeling stressed, disconnected, or stuck despite your best efforts? As a mind-body coach, I specialize in helping individuals like you reclaim clarity, balance, and joy through a unique blend of mindfulness, movement, and personal development strategies.

Contact me to book your free intro session, and let’s explore how we can work together to help you thrive.